Im so disgusted with my provincial government and their lack of care for vulnerable people of this province. I give over $1200 of my paycheck each month, not including all the other taxes I pay, to support our province. And I honestly wouldnt mind if it were going to things that fucking matter. But when I see the percentage of children being abused and left in households with drug addicts who barely feed them, and psychiatric patients abused in the facility that is supposed to make them better I cant help but gag. This province has 12 beds for an inpatient program for addicts with mental health issues. 12 BEDS! My sister will die before she gets off their currently 100 person waitlist. If you are a child, a senior, an addict, mentally ill, homeless, or any variation of these, you are not treated as a person here. Where are my taxpayer dollars going? To fund the wasted 2 million dollars on trying to hold the Fracophonie Games? Why are we constantly discussing language policies while children go to sleep beaten, sexually assualted, and hungry? While the homeless freeze to death on our streets? While addicts who want help cant get it? (Unless your family can afford $30 000 for private rehab). The difference between rich and poor shouldnt dictacte the services you are offered, or the abuse a social worker feels is normal for a child of certain income levels. This is not the province I want to live in. This is not the Country I thought we had created. I dissent. I am enraged. I am distraught. Who is with me?
Today I resigned from my job.
A job I loved.
But I had a narcissistic Boss and she made each day anxiety ridden. No one was sure when she would snap but it happened frequently and for often very little reason.
Staff would avoid the office to try not to run into her.
Its interesting how just one person can affect so many people and create so much anxiety.
So today I quit.
My heart is still racing.
But knowing I wont have to go back makes me feel so much better.
Onwards and upwards.
My father is a sociopath.
I havent found much written on this topic besides the basics. What I wanted to share was to explain that this type of parent does major harm to their children.
He shaped who I am. The choices I made. It took a divorce and the near destruction of two of my siblings for me to grow stronger and slip the bounds of his power. And I still dont feel safe from him.
His manipulations and anger controlled my life for 18 years before I moved out on my own. The list of harms he has done to me and my family are too many to list.
I suffer from depression and severe anxiety. Most of my life I believed myself to be worthless. Never good enough. I was so shy I didnt speak up in any situation. I had poor boundaries, letting men walk all over me because that was all I knew.
Last night I had nightmares about my father. They are usually basic control and stress dreams. He wont let me leave a room, blocking my exit while screaming at me about something that doesnt make sense. Knowing that no matter what I said he was going to manipulate the truth and make it so that I am wrong.
In my dreams he sometimes kills my siblings. I try and fight to save them but he always gets them.
I woke up so angry today that I couldn’t breathe with the urge to make him suffer for what he has done to my family. And yet I can’t do anything. The only way to have him out of my life is to cut him off.
I believe that these personality disorders describe what were originally people called evil before we broke everything down into disorders.
Knowing that your parent doesn’t and isn’t capable of loving you is a painful process. Knowing you are just a pawn to be played hurts.
I still havent healed from this. What I am scared of, is that, I will never heal from this.
I will just continue to feel broken.
My nervous heart can’t do it
I was split in two
Talking herself down
Off the ledge
Over something so human.
Living inside is painful
When my heart beats out of tune
For something that is barely.
Overtaking your thoughts.
Trying to be real
Leaves me breathless
I spend my days dreaming of what could happen, looking back at my past like it holds the answers.
I go back to every good moment I clung to, destroying it with my second look. Nothing is ever the same twice.
I blow up my life.
I was happy once or twice, Im sure of it.
I burn the past down around me, walking into the dark with fire lighting my way.
Bold brave and lonely Ill just try again.
Choking, shoulders tight.
Squeezed chest, deep breaths.
I try to eat.
I try to sleep.
My toes twitch, teeth grind.
Jaw clenched, I think.
Laying in bed